Woody, you sneaky bastard!

I hate you Woody. You are a loser.

You plaster yourself all over TV telling me about how all I have to do to get a free burger is become a fan of you on Facebook.

So what do I do? Sorry pathetic gullible patsy that I am, I do it! I become a fan. I give you my email address. I read all your silly updates about how you're close to a million sandwiches! Oh, and make sure you give me your email address so I can send you your free sandwich!

So I wait.

I planned a weekend in Bismarck, and according to your winsome sweet nothing promises, it should be in my mailbox by the time I go. Yay! Free meal for me!

It doesn't show up.

I check again the night I get into town.

Still not there.

I check again the night I'm going to leave.

Still not there.

I get home late Sunday night. Well, will you look what the cat dragged in??

There it is in my mailbox, snottily staring back at me, mocking me now that I am 200 miles away from the nearest TGIFridays.

Bastard!

I open it even though I know it's too late. And there I see it--the damn coupon is only good from the 11th through the 14th. I would NEVER have been able to use it!

Why promise me the world and then fail to mention it's only available from the hours of 2 and 4 a.m. on the 32nd of December??

So I am a teensy bit mellow dramatic.

But it could just as well have been those ridiculous stipulations. If you really wanted to give me a free sandwich, Woody, why such a narrow window? Could it be that you were secretly hoping I would NEVER BE ABLE TO GET MY FREE SANDWICH??

I think you know the answer.

I hope you can live with the shame your deceit has caused. I hope your so-called million sandwich giveaway ends in a food poisoning lawsuit that bankrupts you. I hope all the people who did come in for their free sandwich ordered only the sandwich and nothing else. I hope they failed to tip and in protests all your servers quit.

I hope all your Facebook fans block you!

Oooh look! Free appetizer coupons!

Damn you Woody! You got me again!